Letting Go

I was walking to work today thinking about all the things I need to let go of so I can change my life and make me a better person. Coughing slightly because of grief that has settled into my lungs, a seeming boundless grief that knows no relief, a deep one that seems to encompass and reflect many lifetimes.

A few of the items I was thinking needed changing were the:

• notion that I can significantly help anyone but myself
• idea of the loss of my once youthful physical body
• tendency to worry about the illusory real world of diving economies, increasing warfare and hatred, and global disease
• fear of my own death (which equals the fear of my own rebirth)
• belief that sex, drugs or rock & roll can help me escape the illusory real world by providing an alternate illusory real world that is somehow better
  

And as I am thinking these noble thoughts, a man comes up to me with his arm outstretched. He seems to be of Everyman descent and he has a sparkle in his eyes that indicates he is coming directly from visiting God/dess (or, as my mother would say, on drugs).

"Help me," he says, "I'm hungry and have no place to go."

"Sorry," I say to him without even blinking.

And then I have passed him.

I look back a minute later and there is no evidence of the beggar. And all at once, I am wracked with guilt, fear, concern, and a thousand forms of sorry.

• What if that man actually is God/dess?
• What if it was a test?
• Suppose he wasn't just a hustler like me in my younger days?
• Maybe he was telling the truth!
• How pathetic that I want to change my life and can't even help one poor Soul?

And frankly, my ego loves to play these imaginary games with me.

One minute I was thinking about giving up the "notion that I can significantly help anyone but myself" -- and the next minute my ego tosses a needy soul in my path. What better test of my own resolve than to feed me my own fears in concrete, physical form?

Yes, the beggar was no doubt real; but the shear coincidence, serendipity even, of his appearance in my life at that moment was truly cause for pause and suspicion.

After all, I create my own reality -- good, bad, and neutral. Maybe I even manifest "tests" for my own guilty, grieving conscience.

This apparent truth is another reason for me to let go of the very illusions I create or allow others to create for me.

And so it seems (today) to be.

The Sarah Palin Opportunity

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are."
-- Bernice Johnson, American Historian and Musician

As you can see from my previous post -- dated August 30, 2008 -- the Sarah Palin Opportunity had a profound and paralyzing affect on me. Why this is so, I'm not sure, but the entire illusion called the 2008 Presidential Elections threw me into a tailspin. This in spite of a promise I'd made to myself to not get caught up in it all. Then, almost self-destructively, I engaged in the entire circus. And even though I (sort of) didn't really care who won the election (I was leaning heavily for Obama); I just wanted George and his cronies out of the People's White House.

The delicious illusion of it all, though, grabbed me early on. Against my own self-promises, better judgment, and inner vision, I began watching MSNBC early on -- two years ago, in fact. Each night the news pundits would fire me up -- or, more accurately, I would invite them to fire me up. And each night I went to sleep with their inflammatory and toxic notions on my mind. And the truth is, it wouldn't have mattered whether I watched Fox News or MSNBC. The results would have been the same. Restless dreams filled with endless worry. And for what? An illusory coloring book marked in with imaginary crayons.

And then Sarah Palin entered the picture and, whereas everything up to that point seemed dully insane, the mere fact that anyone like her could be placed anywhere near the Office of the President of the United States of America made my brain cells curl. What madness had infiltrated John McCain's head? Could greed and vision be so clouded and twisted to result in this?

And so, it seemed, it could.

(I have always said I am not a politician or minister or doctor or business man, and that those areas of life are best left to people more suited for them than I am -- more knowledgeable. But John McCain's decision to utilize the governor of Alaska stymied me and had me second guessing my own convictions.)

I knew some veil of reason had been breached.

After I wrote the previous post, where I laid out a fabulous scenario where McCain was utilizing Palin as a ruse to appease the Powerful Right -- and that once that was done, he would dispose of her in some way -- by hook, crook, or plain politics -- make her vanish, possibly allowing Mitt Romney to come in as his second choice for V.P.

Well, I was obviously wrong on all counts. And Palin, at least in her own mind, is here with us for a while. And McCain -- well, who will remember him for anything but being a courageous Vietnam war veteran who ran the weirdest and possibly most negative campaign for President in United States history?

Still, something about the negativity hooked into me -- or, more likely into my ego. My ego, so easily sated by fear, the only thing -- in fact -- that makes it smile. And I, woefully, was off to the races.

Normally, I drift in and out of life's little power shifts like a fish gliding through water. The contractions come, I take a deep breath, and then they go -- followed by a period of well-being and, sometimes, bliss.

But this Palin affair pulled me out of the water, threw me upon a giant rock on the shore, and left me lying there to bake in the sun of disbelief, fear, and confoundment.

And that was where the opportunity of it all became apparent.

Because, fortunately, through it all, I continued to pray, meditate, do yoga, attend spirit-based retreats, and generally stay On Point some of the time. And when the sun broke through the clouds on the evening of Election Day, I came home to where God/dess resides and where all is well.

I imagine that when the day comes for me to once-and-for-all shed my earth skin and Go Home, these cycles of contraction/bliss will make some sense.

Until then, I just have to have faith that everything really, really, really is exacty as it needs to be.

And so it is.

Intuitive Sense

I am not one to harbor political thoughts because I do not consider myself brainy enough for that process.  Ditto on financial matters, affairs of business, or even Heady God Stuff.  However, I do have intuitions -- often bordering on paranoia!

I alway sensed that Mitt Romney was going to be president.  Not later down the road, I mean during this particular incarnation of madness we call the 2008 elections.  Anyway, yesterday -- with the choosing of gun-toting hockey mom, Sarah Palin -- John McCain proved my intuition completely off-base.  Now, when my intuition gets thrown off base, I do what any self-respecting writer does: I move into fiction mode.

Imagine if this entire Sarah Palin thing was a well-thought-out political scheme.  One in which McCain chooses a woman who just happens to be pro-right-to-life who just also happens to be a member of the National Rifle Association who just also happens to be a fundamentalist Christian.  Then, as part of the plan, this woman -- who is really just a decoy -- is forced to step down from her role a few weeks later (due perhaps to a political scandal, say, stemming from, maybe the firing of a state official who may or may not have been sacked by her for refusing to possibly fire her own brother-in-law from -- oh, let's say, the state police).

And that once Palin resigns or steps down or is told to leave, McCain is placed in the difficult position of finding someone quickly.  Someone who is not a woman and not as conservative and who maybe even disappoints the religious right just a little.  But, poor John McCain, what can he do?  At least, he is able to say he tried to do the right thing in Sarah Palin and find a person who satiated the conservatives.  And now, with time running out, etc. blah blah, he's forced by circumstance to pick a less desirable candidate for VP like Joe Leiberman (hopefully not that less desirable) or ..... ummmm ..... Mitt Romney.

And now the ultra far right, though unhappy, can make believe they're somewhat appeased and John Boy has shown he deserves the Independent votes and the women's votes and the Good Old Boy votes and, hey, by the way, what a total maverick he is, etc.

Don't you just love fiction devolved from intuition gone wrong?

(Note: Now how Mitt Romney goes from being Vice President to President is too far outside my realm of intuitiveness and/or fiction-weaving skills.  And it's just too darn scary to think about, anyhow.  And yeah, yeah, I know: don't give up my day job!)

Unsettling Dream

I am living in a New York City apartment -- or staying at a New York City hotel.  My sisters and maybe my mom are there, too.  We hear explosions and yelling, so I look out the window.  Up in the sky, I see what looks like the Mayan Calendar drawn in the sky in blood red jet streams.  But then I realize it is a circular image that includes words.  The words are slogans -- things like "Peace is at hand" and "Joy through the World."

I call my mother and sister to the window and they also have a look.  I have a souring feeling in my heart because it seems as if something important and wonderful is happening.  I sense there is joy everywhere.

Then, all of a sudden, I notice that one of the cars going by has a passenger with a gun.  He points it at a person in one of the neighboring windows and pulls the trigger.  I don't see what happens because I get out of the window and duck down.  But a dark realization quickly filters into my brain.  I yell for my family to get out of the window and duck.  They do and we hear gunshots ringing out.  Then there is a really big explosion and the window blows in.

It seems as if Doomsday has come in the guise of peace and love first.  I wake up feeling pretty sad and disillusioned.

My Light Side

One of the marvelous things I’ve noticed about my life these days is an awareness of the approach of darker moods.  I’ll have periods of light and joy that can last for days or weeks, followed by a more contracted period during which I feel heavy and burdened, moody and even haunted.  The marvelous thing, the true miracle, is that I’m actually aware of the dark period and cognizant that it, too, shall pass.

 Better still, the dark periods are lasting a shorter and shorter period of time.

 (And to think, this is the stuff I used to take prescribed medication for – "correcting" or avoiding the normal cycles of my life!)

 I am SO GRATEFUL.

 I think that I am very fortunate – blessed – to be on the life path I have created.  So how are some of the ways I help to ensure that my blessed life path stays (more or less) even keeled?

 Well:

•  Each day I do a form of yoga for an hour.  I say “form of yoga” because – to date – I have no formal training and merely utilize my own intuition to do “poses” that my body enjoys, desires, or needs.  In addition to “yoga” I also throw in some push-ups and crunches.
• When I remember to – or when I am stressed that I am driven to – I meditate.  I practice Transcendental Meditation because that is the method in which I was initiated (in the early 1970s).
• Though I don’t really pray, I do use affirmative thinking and shamanistic techniques to assert a fine reality (and/or to accept the reality I find myself blessed with on a given day).
• I try to remember that “bad things” don’t happen to me.  Rather, they are offered up to me by Spirit (God, Goddess et al.) as opportunities to learn.  Practice makes perfect. Okay, a LOT of practice (hopefully) will make perfect one day!
• For my diet, I rely on the Atkins/South Beach approach.  This is a good diet for me because I tend to be compulsive with sweets (e.g. I can’t eat one Pepperidge Farm cookie – I have to eat the entire box in one sitting!).  So if I cut out the carbs (noodles, potatoes, rice, pies, etc.) I do much better.  (And for those who are wondering, the cravings for those items actually go aware more or less completely after about two weeks into the diet.)
• I make a concerted effort to constantly practice staying focused on the joy of living.  I do this by staying aware (conscious) (hint: read the Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment and A New Earth: Awakening to Your Higher Purpose by Eckhart Tolle) and by watching the more upbeat movies and reading the more upbeat books.
•  I try not to watch the news or read the newspapers.  Like sugar, I have a tendency to over-indulge in the media circus.  I’m better off laying off the junk altogether.  (Plus it’s kind of fun in a wicked way to see all the chaos you missed during a one period away from the “news.”  People die, get thrown out of office, scandalize themselves and, what’s worse, this stuff gets dragged out day after day after day for human consumption.  I remember one time I found out the Pope had died, then died again (they only thought he had died the first time!).  When you step away from the “news” – you realize just how much madness it contains, how much negativity it reinforces, and how unimportant most of it truly is in the long run.
• Alcohol is a plant medicine that has a negative spin for me.  Though, in general, I'm not entirely opposed to imbibing once in a while, it tends to leave me feeling darker in mood and spirit than when I avoid it.  I'm not obsessed with its use or non-use, but I am extremely aware that it opens up portals to darker places in me.

I know that a lot of these items make me look and sound like a prude or just plain dull.  So be it.  I know that I’m not – and I also know that I lived a non-prudish, exciting life in my “past.”  Given the choice between the two, knowing what I know now, I’ll take prudish and dull anyway.

And so it is.

Poke Um'

I was just thinking this thought coming back from lunch and thought I'd better jot it down ...

If Spirit calls me back now -- at the ripe young age of 55 and nearly 11 months -- please don't cry for me. And if anyone you know who knew me cries for me, you have my permission and encouragement to poke them sharply where it hurts. Make her or him cringe.

Why?

Because these days I have been so happy and so amazingly content with my life that I can't imagine how it could have ever been different. Today I understand that everything that has ever "happened" to me -- every good and so-called bad thing -- has been something I chose. Nothing was a mistake and each and every thing was a lesson. Not always gracefully learned, I admit, but a lesson just the same. Each illness, each "tragedy", and each calamity was something I yearned for so that I could evolve through and beyond it. So that I could witness my ego creating all sorts of stories about the event(s) so as to tie myself in knots. And then learn to unravel those knots through meditation and other spiritual practices.

Now, knowing what I know of life and the reason(s) I came here (that I am not simply myself but my Self and that I am here to learn and cleanse/release my soul), I am so grateful and deliriously happy.

Now when I die, I know I'll be returning home. To think there is anything bad in that is simply foolish and naive.

And so it is.

And the moon!

This morning -- actually moments ago -- I walked outside my home, running a tad late as usual, expecting a blast of hot air when I opened the door. (It was rather warm inside my apartment.) Instead, I was greeted with cool air and a brilliant blue sky.

And the moon!

At 9:20 a.m., I am greeted by cool air, a blue blue sky, wispy clouds -- and the moon!

And at that moment -- just moments ago -- I am filled with a mixture of gratitude and awe and love ... and more gratitude. It is as if the universe paints these moments for me, offers them up like some delicious morsels on a crystal platter, overflowing with an energy sauce (Source?) made by the gods.

Of course I am gushing here, to say the least. But I can't help myself. The silver-gray moon in the sky, back dropped by brilliant blue, seems to be smiling like one of my ancestors. A look of knowing-- shear understanding -- lies across the moon's face. At that holy moment I know that all is wonderfully well.

The day before me -- the great unknown -- suddenly falls into place, like a puzzle part just realized as The One Piece -- even though you've been staring at it, seemingly, for hours.

Quantum physics, religion, mathematics, geometry ... they all at once make sense.

Why do the make sense (you ask)?

Because they are all the same, ruled by the same beautiful forces that greet me as I leave my home -- just moments ago.

The air,
The sky,
The clouds,
The moon,
Realization.

The universe understands me,
and that's all I'll ever need.